Willfulness Revealed

So last week I got up with one thing on my mind. A strawberry/blueberry smoothie with granola. A very tree hugging breakfast, but a delicious one all the same. I said my morning prayer in a hurry to get out of bed and eat. Quickly I spoke the words " God show me how to serve you and your children today" however I found I got an immediate response. "Fast". Now this is not what a girl who loves to eat ever wants to hear. More than that I was already making breakfast in my head so this challenge stung even more. I started to bargain with God to ease the pain of this request. Maybe I could start after breakfast, or just fast certain foods like desserts. None of this eased the conviction in my heart.

Finally I agreed to fast all food and possibly water till . . . . . . . sundown? NO. There was something too simple about that request. God knew I could last that long, and he did not want the cheap and easy sacrifice. He wanted all of my attention not just a countdown to sundown. I went online and looked up Christian fasting hoping to find an escape or a lighter sentence instead I came across the description of a 3 day absolute fast. No food. No water. Just God. My mind went into a frenzy. "Can people even last that long without water? I work with kids how could I stay energized. What if there is a big event and I don't eat? Won't that be rude?" After arguing and huffing and puffing about how crazy it all was I spoke the words of agreement with myself and sent a text to 3 good supportive friends for accountability sake and for prayer and set out on my psychotic task.

Day 1 was full of anger and bargaining. Every bit of food that passed me was the enemy. I literally had to say out loud to a couple of Starbucks cups " I worship God, not you". I made a playlist full of worship songs and once the anger subsided I began to realize that I lacked a hunger for God. I craved all of this STUFF more than I craved Him. I was beginning to get the picture.

Day 2 was a little better. My cravings had passed but I was definitely hungry. I was beginning to get upset that I thought of food and drink more than God. That without food and drink I felt lost, upset, desperate. But if I went a day or 2 without prayer or a word from God I did just fine. I began to pray for God to change my heart. I did not want to leave this fast the same person.

Day 3 it was very clear that this fast was not about food. God wanted my attention as well as my affection. I was full of affection for Him but I often give my attention to everything else. At about 2pm I felt so weak my knees buckled. I allowed my body to bring me to my knees. I was playing Hillsongs All I Need is You  it contains a lyric you hold the universe. I was confronted with the image of a shining being surrounded by angels who cover their faces at this being beauty and sing and shout out "Holy, holy, holy. Lord God all mighty. Creator of heaven and earth. Creator of the Universe"  Now I don't know if you are like me and obsessed  with the discovery channel but the Universe as far as we know is ever expanding, super complex and super connected. Just go to your local planetarium or google dark matter and then read Genisis 1:1-3 and tell me you are not amazed. So anyway I found myself on my knees (literally floored) in a corner at 2pm on day 3 sobbing at the awesomeness of God. Breathless at the complexity of His simplicity.  After I had seen God in this refreshing way. I got up and heard in my heart. "The fast is over. The message has been received."
Want to know what I said? You are gonna love this one. I said " No I am going to stick it out till day 3 is done" Can you believe I was trying to outlast God?!? I think God gave me the "Oh no you didn't!" face. Upon realizing my mistake I grabbed the closest bit of vegan food a ate.

After all that I realized how selfish I could be when it came to putting my will before everything. I saw how many opportunities for kindness I missed everyday because I was to focused on staying comfy. Now I am not trying to make people feel like they are evil, but maybe even the nicest of us are not as mindful, and willing to give as we could be.

 My lesson has only just begun and though I pray that I don't feel that call for extreme fasting anytime soon, I do pray that I continue to grow in awe of God.

Namaste and God Bless Y'all!